What a conversation starter! - Z.E.R.O. (Zombie Extermination, Research and Operations) Kit by OpticsPlanet

Let's get this first part out of the way: I'm a little shy at times. I don't know how to approach strangers in a way that isn't off-putting. This makes it incredibly difficult to date or make friends... UNTIL NOW. I had to make a decision recently between buying a motorized mode of transportation and a zombie kit. I weighed the pros and cons of the two options and outside of being able to get a job somewhere other than Chuck E. Cheese I really didn't have a secondary use for a car. But night vision? A knife? Rifle Bags? Oh, I have a need. I have a massive, throbbing need. And this zombie kit satisfies that need in a way that I've never known before. You see, there's this girl. June. And I love June but she doesn't know I exist. She works the ticket counter at work. She has an adorable smile, with a full complement of teeth, a ponytail with far less hair than you'd expect on a girl (she makes it work), single eyebrow connected with a beautiful bridge of feathered hair and a lovely lazy eye that tricks you into thinking you know what she's interested, but actually leaves you guessing. Some days I swear she sees my soul and approves of it without even looking at me. I shudder. I quiver. I long to talk to her. But how? How could I possibly find the courage, the strength, to talk to such an angel? I needed to take what little positive qualities I have and boost their female-attracting powers. I needed the zombie kit. So there I am, wearing night vision in the low lights of Chuck E. Cheese, Browning Zombie Knife on my hip, drawing the eye to my impressive junk (well, not impressive in reality, but I stuffed the Blackhawk Gloves in my underwear so it would be both larger and have jointed fingers...), the tactical watch WITH compass let me check my coordinates, which were spot on. I was headed for love. I was headed for my destiny. I walked up to the counter and set down my Battle Mug. HARD. It broke right through the glass, sending shards into the stuffed animals below. I looked her right in the eye (through the night vision) and said, "It looks like I'm too much man for your counter." She responded by asking my name. "There are no names where we're going." She understood I meant the future. Needless to say... the gloves came off. The gloves... IN MY PANTS.
Pros: Best glove to hand ratio over found!
Cons: No eagles were harmed in the making of this kit. I don't like eagles

This review was written in the old system and had content requirements that are different than reviews written today.